My Encounter with a Bat… IN MY HOUSE

Have you ever experienced the sheer animal terror of discovering that there’s a bat in your house?

I have now. I’m getting ready for bed last night, my wife is out of town on a trip so it’s just me and the dogs. I get the dogs shuttled into the bedroom with the door closed and finish brushing my teeth when I see something flap by outside the bathroom door from downstairs and into the other bedroom. “What the fuck was that?” I say to myself, inching towards the door. “Was that a bird?” Flap flap flap out of the room and “Holy shit, I think that’s a bat.” Run into the office and close the door, google “getting a bat out of my house.” Short story on the google link is fuckers could have rabies, don’t touch them, get a broom and whack that sucker.

Fuck all that. Call 911 instead, let a professional deal with that shit. The oh-so-bored sounding 911 operator informs me that animal control is closed, which I already knew. She asks if I want an officer to come around the house. “Will they get this bat out of my house?”

“Well no, they can’t do that.”

“Then why would you send them?”

She puts me on hold and apparently finds the number of a pest place that will do the job, Critter Catchers. I call and since it’s 11:30 at fucking night, I get a voicemail. Leave my number while cowering in the bedroom with the dogs and get a phone call back in a few minutes. Sure, they could come and get it but not until the morning – they are out of town. Luckily the dude is very helpful, giving me a step by step on how to knock this thing for a loop, put a box or towel over it and get it outside the house. Apparently, my neighborhood has a huge ass bat colony around as he’s taken multiple calls on my street, though he did offer up that there have been very few rabies outbreaks amongst said bat population.

I’m starting to feel like Keanu Reeves strolling up to eat dinner with Gary fucking Oldman at this point.

Put on heavy jogging pants and the only coat I have handy, a sweater-y type long coat thing that is my wife’s, and inch out of the bedroom, hunched over with broom in one hand and box in the other. Eyes on a swivel, waiting for this goddamn flying rodent to land on my mohawk and start giving me rabies kisses. Yes, I know that bats are not hostile by nature and the bat does not want to be in my house. He’s likely scared and confused and may even be a baby.

There is, however, something quite unsettling about the silence with which these fuckers flit around. Their echolocation squeal is barely audible even when you’ve got them pinned to the floor in pain. Maybe I watched too many vampire movies as a kid. I’m not ashamed to admit seeing that little fucker flapping around my house scared the shit out of me. Not “run out of the house shrieking as if I’d just seen an Elder God” scared but “oh fuck that spider’s coming right for me!” kind of scared.

There it is in the bathroom, hanging upside down from the shower curtain. He couldn’t have been four inches long all folded up and if his fully stretched wingspan was six inches, I’d be surprised. Still, see the above paragraph. I do not want that thing taking flight. Lead with the broom… THWACK THWACK… THWACK!!!! That last one was when he was on the ground, just for good measure. I didn’t want to kill it, but I sure as fuck didn’t want it taking flight. Toss the box over it, go downstairs and get an empty dog food bag to put it in, figuring the thick paper on that bag will be sufficient to blunt his needle-like fangs. He did not want to go when I removed the box, flapping around at no higher than ankle level as I slam around the little toilet area trying to secure him again. Shuffle him into the bag, close it, run downstairs and out the front door. Shake the bag out as far away from my body as I can and he is out of my life.

Moral of the story? I am a great big girl’s blouse, but at least I know how to get a bat out of my house now.

August 15, 2014 at 8:04 pm | Life | No comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *